I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
