She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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