he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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