What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
