I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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