Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
