dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
