I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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