every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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