i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
