im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
