Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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