she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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