Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
