babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
