I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
