Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
