I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
