Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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