i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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