i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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