I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
