yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
