I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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