so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
