Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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