just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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