Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
