Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
