I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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