so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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