I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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