Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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