Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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