My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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