I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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