i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
