um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
