i just wanna soil my oats bro
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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