a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize