It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want her autograph on my taint
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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