dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize