a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
