Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
