Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.