Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.