if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.