I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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