It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
