i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
