i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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