Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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