The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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