This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
