my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize