She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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