i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
