Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
