mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
