Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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