3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
